What Happens When Care Isn't There?
The care you counted on getting may not be there. What next?
Hi Everyone!
Re-entering “normal life” after a weekend at Tertium Quid is always difficult. The way time stretches when you’re there, so one day feels like a week, the fresh air and relaxed vibe, the way everyone around you “gets” gender and you can just … put it down as a worry and instead pick up it as something to discuss among peers...it’s magical!
This year we talked a lot about our own mental health and emotional wellbeing as well as our children’s. Parents and guardians are carrying a lot. Coming together in community was powerful, and a way to remember that whatever you’re carrying, someone else has a similar load too. And even if they can’t take your weight from you, just sharing the knowledge can help make it feel lighter.
Our political landscape is very clear on what it wants: to eliminate trans people, and part of that is to eliminate gender-affirming care. The Big Budget Buster Bill that just passed the house has eliminated gender affirming care on Medicaid for people of all ages. Oh no wait, just trans-related gender affirming care. If you’re menopausal you can of course still get estrogen. Just not if you’re trans. For now, private health insurers can cover this care, but who knows for how long.
Many parents reading this have children who aren’t yet in puberty, and the idea that blockers and hormones may not be available for their child shakes their foundation. That was the path they’d planned, and now? The idea of a trans kid getting blockers and then hormones is the landscape most of us have been raising our children in. It smooths a lot of the edges of trans-ness off – these kids will pass, much more than those who go through their natal puberty.
But worth exploring in this new landscape is what does that idea of smoothing do for us, the parents? Most of us are cis, some gay, but really, the majority of us have not gone through gender exploration the way our kids do. No matter what our personal identities, what our kids are going through is extremely unique to them. (Even if you are a trans parent, you’re 20-30 years older than them. As my kid often reminds me, things are different now. Many of my experiences have limited relevance to what they’re experiencing.)
I think the idea that we can smooth out puberty and help them pass makes it easier for us to support our trans kids. After all, they won’t look “different” or challenge members of society with their appearance. If we take this aspect out – the aligned puberty – how does that change our feelings? I’m not saying it makes you not support your kid. But I am saying it’s worth exploring your feelings around this, because it does change things – for both you and your child. And we need to explore this because there is a good chance that this may be the future for some of our children. We need to get our own brains and feelings in order so that we can truly be there for them.
What we have instead of a clear, clinical path is uncertainty. And uncertainty is scary – it’s so much … nicer when you know what comes next. But uncertainty is a powerful driver, too. “Uncertainty is a resource; we need it to drive new thinking, greater connections, and community.” This is how we have to approach this time. As one that will push us to new strategies, new connections, new ways of seeing. We’ve already done it when we rearranged our mental view of our child’s gender. We can do it again (and again and again and again if we have to).
I get it. You’re (probably) American, and you’re used to getting what you need when you need it. Of complaining (karen-ing out even), having meetings and pushing your needs forward. After all, you pay taxes, you’re a customer, you have rights! We’re bred to believe that the customer is always right. But now, I’m thinking we may not always get what we want and need for our kids. Not everyone can up and leave and go elsewhere to find care. We need ways to move forward regardless.
So as parents, we need to adjust our “needs” and ensure that our children still feel whole. If we go into this with the attitude of being slighted, that our kids were supposed to get blockers and they didn’t and it’s a fail, what does that say to our kids? That they’re a fail. And they’re not. And neither were all the trans people that came before them who didn’t get blockers or hormones in puberty. We can’t be terrified of a puberty without blockers or hormones. We can’t be terrified of our child not looking (our idea of) “perfect” at the end of puberty. We can’t be terrified of our children facing limitations to their desires.
But in order for us to support our child in this, we need to dig into ourselves and understand how this new possible reality affects us and our responses. To truly support them, we need to do the work on ourselves to understand the things we’re carrying. The horror that many parents express when they talk about their kid not getting blockers, the announcement that their child will kill themselves, well, it can read as internalized transphobia. People have been trans without these things for millennia. How is your child different? What are you so afraid of – and why are you passing this fear onto your child?
Many parents want their kids to pass seamlessly, because that’s what we understand. Some kids do too – they just want to be a girl or a boy. But not all of our kids want that. And even if they do, they may not get it. That’s part of life – not always getting what you dream of. And then making do with what you have. We have to show our kids this – that what you already have is enough, enough to be you. You’re still worthy of … everything, no matter what.
That’s what our support is for – not just for getting them the medical and emotional help they need, but letting them know they’ve loved, respected, needed – whoever and however they are. You’re there for them. That is a huge positive in their lives, no matter what the political landscape is. Our minds need to stay open and ready to change, and our hearts have to stay open to our children always.
